I often muse about my teenage and early college years. My choice in men wasn’t totally piss-poor, but the me-now, wouldn’t have been with the men-then.
Most of the time, you aren’t developed enough mentally to truly understand what matters to you at those adolescent ages.
I’m not a big serial dater. I’ve had four long-term relationships (first love, high school, college, now) in my life that have all taught me something and I can firmly say, I do not regret. There are pieces where I shake my head, but I know I wouldn’t have learned. I just wouldn’t have.
For me, I don’t believe in marrying young. I want a lifelong partnership, not a piece of paper and first, I will develop the partnership. I know, it works for some people and high school sweethearts, well that melts my heart, but it’s few and far between. We simply want different things. We stay with someone for the wrong reasons and we don’t even know that it’s not right, until far after the relationship melted.
Now I look in my partner at: loyalty, trust, solid friendship, laughter, conversation that could go on forever, kindness, respect to his mother and other women, ambition, love, chemistry, personal and spiritual development, family oriented, wants a family, adventure and communication.
These are a lot of foundational pieces.
In my ex-boyfriends or ex-crushes, there wasn’t all that. I didn’t really care about personal and spiritual development or their ambition. I didn’t realize then, that the color of their eyes or their twisted smile or their bad habits didn’t equate longevity in a relationship.
When I’m 80, on my ass and tired from the wild ride of my full life, I’m not going to be checking out their bod or the “game” they play.
Also? If you want it bad enough, you always make it work. If they’re into you, they’re into you. If there’s confusion, then why didn’t I realize then, he’s/she’s just not that into you. It’s the truth.
I’m no relationship expert, but I’ve had my fair share to find for myself what I need and want. Like deeper, inside – that match my value system. I feel far too often are we driven by exterior, shallow motives. I’ve been there and some of the surface level “desires” we have are what my friend Jenny Blake calls, “nice to have’s” where it’s not a make or break.
If the foundation is there, you have something. That’s not saying you will have to work at the relationship and not just let it “fall” because everything else is just there. We grow and evolve as people, but if we went after matters of the heart and mind, there seems to be some strength there in relationships.
Something about looking behind, not lamenting but reflecting, helps me see how tuned and true I am being to myself in relationships. I cut out the toxic, romantically and platonically, because to me, there’s no room for that. Back then, I may not have.
It’s a work in progress, my friends, but it’s nice to literally see and feel the growth.
What about you? What did you use to go for?
but that’s not the kind of opinionated no I’m talking about.
