The Giver Bemoans

2011 September 22
by Grace Boyle

Truth be told, that little something we like to call ego, likes to slink in and slap me every once in a while.

I have felt the weight on my shoulders recently. Kanken 7L Combining the new job and new adjustments I have been giving, listening, offering, introducing, meeting, teaching, inviting, and connecting people on full steam lately.

I will preface and say that I love to do all those things, there’s no ulterior motive. I don’t try, they simply come to me and when I’m asked for help, I will always give it. Women Air Jordan 6 Unabashedly.

The worst? A lot of people don’t even say thank you, they don’t respond to your e-mail and they move on their merry way without even a hug of gratitude.

It’s a full-on combination of matchmaker, connector, therapist, job-finder and introduction-person.

And somewhere in all that, I lose myself.

You want to know a dirty secret? Sometimes it exhausts me. Joe Flacco Ravens Jerseys Sometimes my ego (I swear, she can be such a bitch) says: Is anyone helping you, Grace? Would these people return the favor? Would they work tirelessly for you as you are? Would they think of you when it comes your turn for help?

Awful, right?

I tout, giving is living, because that is how I feel.

Then. New Balance 999 damskie Stop.

It’s internal. It has nothing to do with any of these people and at any moment, I could shut myself away from the World and choose to not give or help. sac lancel pas cher Is that a life worth living? Not in my opinion. We are always helping others and receiving help (a lesson for me, is asking for help) in a cyclical cycle.

I’m constantly reminded of my first few months in Boulder: alone, no friends, no job, no connections, no money and really, no life. Nike Air Max 2016 Dames Zwart I did have risk and gumption though. Maglie NBA a Poco Prezzo And here I am.

We’re all a little jaded, tired, busy and have bits and pieces broken, but let me remind myself: “When you become the conduit for graciousness you get stronger, truer, freer and more fiercely alive.” -Danielle LaPorte

As this racked my brain the last few weeks as I tirelessly was the push, and not feeling the pulling in. I went to yoga last night and my favorite teacher ended the class asking a question:

How can we love more? How can we give more of our gifts?

Case in point – my Self (capital S) is bigger than any ego could ever be. Air Jordan 6 Being aligned in giving your love and giving our gifts, this is graciousness. This is truly living – out loud, flamboyantly and deeply.

I reassessed, I admitted my shortcoming even in fear of your judgments. If we do not continually renew and grow, we harden.

None of us, are where we are today, without the gift of giving and help. None of us. We’ve all be helped in some form.

Finally, I am grateful to everyone who has ever helped me. Whether you are a stranger and held the door for me, my parents for tirelessly helping me and supporting me, my friends for listening, my boyfriend for his sturdy love and all of you.

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  • Berrak

    I’m the same way. The key, though, is to be able to be a little selfish at times to give to YOURSELF as well so you don’t feel over-exerted & become jaded down the line :)

  • Grace Boyle

    I know. Need to more healthily selfish :) And I find that I also need to step back because friends bemoan themselves when they start to see me less and I’m trying to balance it all but really, just failing I feel like. I’ve set out to take 1-2 days to myself where I do nothing. Like non-negotiable. That helps a lot! Thanks love :)

  • Berrak

    I actually had a friend tell me that I was being rude for withdrawing after I lost my job last summer because I wasn’t talking to her everyday.  She & I were having our issues independent of that but it was a reminder that people expect 100% from me every moment of every day so I began to change that expectation by balancing it out. It’s hard when you’re a giver but it’s gotta be done :)

  • Grace Boyle

    I think understanding is a big part of this. That we all have our struggles and understanding WHO someone is, helps us communicate effectively and happily. Balance is big and I dig out time for yoga/working out that makes me happy and sane.

  • Rebecca Thorman

    I ask those same questions a lot and have definitely gotten wrapped up in these issues. Sometimes I feel like I am always helping people and get nothing. My pet peeve is when people don’t say thank you. Drives me up the wall!!!

  • David Stehle

    “The worst? A lot of people don’t even say thank you, they don’t respond to your e-mail and they move on their merry way without even a hug of gratitude.”


    I don’t get pissed when someone won’t help me after I’ve helped them, even if I’ve helped them numerous times. But I will admit those instances leave a bad taste in my mouth for helping others in the future. I know that’s not fair because not everyone is ungrateful. The good news is you quickly see those ungrateful people in a different light, a less flattering light. And realize they aren’t worth your time or effort.

    You should never give/help/or even share a few kind words expecting anything in return. But a simple “thanks” is just a form of common courtesy. It’s called manners and some people need to learn them.

    Grace, if you ever need help with anything let me know! I still remember the extra effort you went to for me while working at Lijit. It didn’t go unappreciated. And I’d be happy to return the favor anytime.  :)

  • Grace Boyle

    Yes, it may not be admirable of me to lay it all out there but I can’t help but feel when you put it out on the line or go out of your way, then watch them succeed as they run off not saying thank you it drives me crazy too :)

    Once I step back I realize that I have control over what I choose to spend my energy and time on. Happy to hear I’m not the only one bemoaning this 😉

  • Berrak

    Exactly! We have to also remember that people change & grow. Understanding how & why is important.

  • sameve

    Wow, do I get you on this one! I think some of us are givers by nature. We give because we want to and helping others makes us happy. We don’t expect anything in return, and yet it still stings a little when people don’t appreciate what we’ve done for them. The sad truth is that many people won’t be there for us when we need them, even though we’ve been there for them countless times. But, what I’ve learned is that the reason behind this is usually something innocent, not malicious. Some people don’t know how to be there for others, and some are glad to be there if only we have the courage to ask. So keep giving, Grace! Whether they say it or not, I’m sure people appreciate all that you do! 

  • Jayboyle

    Great post Grace. Very true and insightful. Keep up the good work.

  • Tatiana

    Normally when I think of giving + other people (other than monetary gifts) I think of compliments. I love paying other people compliments, even though I very rarely (if ever) get any in return. But I’ve gotten used to that. I think it can be hard to do something for people and get caught up in the end result of that doing. Some people would call that an “ego” problem. If you expect something in return, are you truly giving freely? Or is it conditional giving? 

    But I do understand that people want to be recognized for their support and help. Which is fine I believe, but a lot of people (myself included at times) have a hard time expressing gratitude for people who have helped us. I particularly have this problem with family and friends – though, not so much with complete strangers. I don’t know why. It’s not that I’m not grateful, but I am often embarrassed by being or feeling grateful. Does that make sense? 

    I don’t express love well or often. It’s such a foreign concept to me. 

  • Melanie Cohn

    Grace–you rock. You helped me when I had some questions as a newbie blogger/marketing lady and I’m so glad we got to chat! I hope to see u this summer!

  • Rebecca Thorman

    I am glad I’m not the only one too! 😉

  • Grace Boyle

    This is all about the appreciation revolution, right?? :)

    You’re right and it’s the realization I come to after all that, just keep giving. I honestly don’t feel used but I do feel like I give those gifts and feel depleted. I’m trying to balance. That’s life though, isn’t it? :)

  • Grace Boyle

    xo thanks dad!

  • Grace Boyle

    Tatiana, that’s an interesting perspective and you’re right but I didn’t consider the compliment part. I don’t think I’m embarrassed of being grateful but again, even bringing that up shows that sometimes people feel hindered in even the thanking bit.

    I am typically over-gracious, a friend watched our dog (that she loves) for two days a few weekends ago and she did so voluntarily. We brought her bottles of wine and flowers in a vase. Obviously she wouldn’t take money from us, but it just meant so much and it was the least we could do.

    I have a horrible time asking for help. I can barely ask and I feel so awful. It’s funny, because I give so readily all the time and I can’t even ask for it in return. Maybe it’s all my own fault 😉

    I think expressing ourselves as you mention, can be difficult for most people. It can be vulnerable and vulnerable can be scary. But you just expressed yourself here, right? :)

  • Grace Boyle

    Haha, aw thanks! I remember so much how life is a full circle. You’re awesome and good luck to you xo

  • jennyblake

    LOVED this post Grace — thank you so much for sharing. It’s so true that our biggest strengths can become draining if we over-use them without recovery time. Love your honest look at keeping things balanced…xoxo!

  • Clare Bear

    You do SO MUCH for the Boulder community. I would likely feel the same way. I catch myself wanting credit for a lot of things that I don’t ever get thanks or praise for– finding friends places to live, serving as a job reference and giving a rave review of a former co-worker, dropping everything to help a friend, etc. One of my least favorites is when I introduce two friends from entirely different parts of my life and they become closer to one another than I am with either of them. It happens constantly and it leaves me feeling wholly insignificant. It’s selfish but it’s normal to want praise for the connections we create for others.

  • Grace Boyle

    Thanks Jenny! Isn’t it interesting? Strengths could hurt us too? We have to know how to use them properly and also truly know ourselves I feel. Thanks for the lovins!

  • Grace Boyle

    Aw, thanks dear. The funny thing is, I laid it all out here (embarrassingly so) but I never do those things for the credit I do it because it’s fun and easy and natural. Then why would I feel this way? :) Ha. The human mind and emotions.

    You brought up such a good point. I’ve introduced a few friends and they become close, then I’m out of the picture. It stings. I remember that life happens that way for a reason and we aren’t insignificant but maybe they are better suited to be closer friends. I would hope a best friend just wouldn’t drop anyone for someone else entirely.

    Thanks for the support. I loved hearing everyone’s thoughts here because after all, we’re all human.

  • Clare Bear

    I hope you didn’t think I meant to suggest that you were only doing things for credit – I was just admitting that -I- often do things wanting credit. It’s a character/lack of self esteem flaw. Working on it!

  • Grace Boyle

    No! I didn’t think that at all. Haha, it is what I said in my post that I did sometimes care about being thanked. I also worry, there are some friends who ONLY ask for things and I know that they probably wouldn’t reciprocate…eek! Definitely working on it too.

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