Your Brain On Love

Recently, I was recommended the audiobook version of Your Brain On Love by Stan Tatkin. Fjallraven Kanken Big His book Wired for Love is also (I hear) a great supplement of his work.

Your Brain On Love

Produced by Sounds True, the audio book has a strong focus on your brain, and shifting out of conflict into greater intimacy, and understanding with your partner. Which in my opinion, anyone could find useful. We’re always works in progress, period.

Tatkin is a researcher and couples therapist. I love his focus on neuriobiology (down to the literal science) and where he uncovers different attachments styles, based off experiences and who we are, that started at a young age.

One of my favorite parts is how he kicks things off in the beginning with known facts. I love how realistic he is, it’s very grounding. He shares that our brains are built more for war than love (e.g. the negativity is often where we go versus positive and our threat response is often getting in the way of love), there is nothing more difficult than another person, there’s no such thing as as low maintenance person, as partners we are inherently just annoying and will be a burden to the other, in love relationships no one comes pre-trained, you must train each other, partners are responsible for each other’s past (we are a proxy for everyone that came before), we don’t really know what we’re doing, and that the need for parenting, never really goes away.

These are things that often aren’t talked about, but are just at it’s core, so true.

Here are some highlights from Sounds True:

  • The neurobiology of mating—who we choose and why
  • The neurobiology of commitment—building security, the foundation of a healthy relationship
  • Anchor, Island, and Wave types: understanding your attachment style and those of others
  • “Is it you or is it me?” Understanding how the attachment styles of others interact with your own.
  • Experiencing healthy conflict through social contracts, ground rules, and awareness
  • Creating a lifelong plan to continue deepening your relationships

Since I drive on my short commute to work, I love listening to podcasts and this audiobook was no exception. I’ve already begun telling all my friends (single, partnered, married, etc.) because I felt it to be so interesting and helpful in self-awareness.

I also think it’s great if you are partnered, that both parties listen to it (that’s what we’re doing).

I also felt some ways in which myself and partner operate (naturally, we’re different in many ways) made so much more sense. In my mind, it’s just one of the many resources I now use in my “tool-belt” for operating successfully, and in unison as a strong partnership.

If you’re at all interested, I couldn’t recommend it more.

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