You’re Not Really “Fine”

2010 April 6
by Grace Boyle

“Fine.”

You’ve all heard it. You’ve probably muttered it before.

It is by far, one of my least favorite words. I detest it.

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Here are some scenarios which might highlight why the word frustrates me.

  • Girl is clearly upset at her boyfriend. He can tell. He asks her, “Are you okay?” She is fighting back tears, her lower lip is trembling but instead of expressing how she feels she says, “I’m fine.” He asks again. She gives him the same answer.
  • A close friend is upset at how a friend treated her. She is crying to her friends. Through tears she stumbles and apologizes for her sadness and anger, “I’m sorry, it’s fine. It’s fine.”
  • Something tragic has just happened. He doesn’t want to even “feel” the pain so when asked how he is doing to push away the emotion he says, “Don’t worry about it, I’m fine.”
  • Your boss asks you how you’re doing with the new project. You’re struggling and not sure how to complete the project. Instead of addressing the issues you respond, “It’s going fine.”

Tell me one reason why the word “fine” in each of these scenarios does anyone, any good?

People misunderstand me by first seeing that I’m expressive and upbeat but I have a pretty strong private side who also loves my alone time, feeling my emotions and being “okay” with those dark places and days (Ah yes, Pisces). With that being said, I’ve used the word “fine.” Yes, I’m guilty of it. I have definitely found myself in the above scenarios (on both ends) and I feel like crap after I mutter the word because I know I’m not holding true to myself and I’m not being honest with the other person(s) involved.

I am not condoning the piece where you don’t want to talk about how much you’re hurting or maybe you don’t want to open up if it’s someone you’re not comfortable talking to. Those are all parts to our human defense mechanism. The part I condone is not being honest - saying one thing, but really meaning the other.

Why not say, “I would prefer not to talk about it right now,” or “This has really been hurting me, but I need some time to think before I talk about it with you,”or “Actually, I’m having some trouble with the project and have some questions that might help me move forward.”

By muttering “fine,” to me, it shows one big, cement, impenetrable wall. A wall that says, I want to shut you out and I am not going to tell you how I really feel but I will mask with the word, “fine.”

I think that’s why it bugs me so much. It’s just that the word “fine” is so fake, so nondescript. I try not to say “fine” anymore and if I really don’t feel like talking about it (whatever “it” may be) I will say that, trying to do so graciously and honestly or I won’t even need to say “fine” because that person barely knows me, so I don’t need to get into it period. Furthermore, I tell myself, “Grace, use your words. Remember, that vocabulary you’ve spent years building from reading, writing and communicating?”

What do you think? Do you feel the same way when you hear the word “fine?” How do you feel when you SAY the word “fine?”

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from → Friendships, Honesty, Relationships, Trust

  • http://doniree.com/ doniree

    I love this post. I think some people (myself included) use the word “fine” when we're not sure to what degree we CAN open up to someone or about something. Or that we're simply not sure how to express emotions and “fine” is an easy out – just as you said. I love how you suggest other ways though of staying honest while not baring everything. Definitely guilty of it, but appreciate friends such as yourself that can be like “no, you're not, now stop saying that and tell me what you're actually feeling.” :)

  • http://how-to-blog.tv/ Jerod Morris

    I feel like this post was the result of the following assignment: “Grace, follow Jerod around all day and then write a blog post highlighting his biggest personal flaw and publicly castigating him for.”

    Well, job well done Ms. Boyle. Your point has been made.

    I think you absolutely hit the nail on the head for why we say “fine” all of the time and the subconscious reasons behind it. More importantly, you've pulled back the veil to reveal just how ugly, unnecessary, and counter-productive those reasons are.

    You've also now compelled me to stop using a word that I've grown quite fond of. This is going to require work and concentration. Damn you and your insightful, helpful blog posts!!! :-)

  • http://blakesunshine.com/ Blake Sunshine

    This is all so true! It's really hard sometimes to be honest about your feelings, but just saying you are “fine” doesn't accomplish anything either. Thanks for a great post.

  • http://diamondkt.blogspot.com David

    “Gracie, use your words.” Ha. I like that. It’s like you have a senior citizen trapped in your body that softly dispenses advice to its younger self.

    There would be a lot less confusion and far better communication if people would always say what they mean and mean what they say. Sorry, but girls are notorious for saying one thing and really meaning something else. They want guys to decipher their hidden messages. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it will test how well he really knows her? To be able to distinguish between when she’s “fine-fine” and “fine-I’m-not-fine?”

    What’s sad is she’s really only hurting herself by doing this. Either (A) because she says she’s fine, he really thinks she’s fine and doesn’t give her feelings anymore thought. Or (B) he knows she’s just playing a head game and really isn’t fine, but he doesn’t have time for the bullshit. So he pretends to be dumb and plays along like she’s really fine just so he doesn’t have to pull it out of her and have the long drawn out emotional talk.

    I’ll admit, I’m guilty of saying fine sometimes. I’ll say it mostly because I don’t want to burden other people with my feelings. I know most people only ask how you are or if you’re ok to be polite. So my “I’m fine” response is my polite way of quickly answering the question I know they don’t REALLY want the full answer to. Plus, guys aren’t as good at expressing their emotions as women are. We are taught to be strong and in control of our emotions and the situation at all times. And if I lose that strength or control, it’s embarrassing. If I’m close with a girl I’ll tell her how I really feel, but even then part of me wonders what she’s thinking – if she sees me as a puss for having my little feelings hurt or whatever the case may be. So “fine” often saves me from humiliating myself.

    PS (Nice top.)

  • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

    Ha! I use the phrase “use your words” all the time. I'll say it to people cold in conversation. “I need you to use your words ____ and tell me what you are thinking/feeling/doing/etc.” This generally warrants one of two reactions. Reaction #1 – Odd look, thought for a moment then telling me exactly what is going on. Reaction #2 – Odd look, thought for a moment (more along the lines of WTF is she doing?!) and then telling me “I'm fine.”

    To which I respond, “Ok, when you are un-fine then tell me what made you fine cause I don't like seeing you so hurt/angry/upset/stuck in a drainpipe.” Brash bluntness and analytical thought sometimes work great in veiled conversations of “fine.” I'm getting a bit better at playing the empathetic/sympathetic game, but truthfully it is very draining. I'd rather get everything thrown up and onto the table to be fixed than holding it inside.

  • http://www.smallhandsbigideas.blogspot.com Grace Boyle

    @Doni You're right, “fine” usually is an easy out. I know there are times where we do not want to address how we're feeling (depends on our audience) rightfully so. It's why I tried to think of other ways to address how you're feeling or skirt the issue without being fake/nondescript like “fine” ;)

  • http://www.smallhandsbigideas.blogspot.com Grace Boyle

    @Jerod You didn't know? I'm intuitive – I read minds.

    Let me know how the sans-fine experiment goes. I think not only will you feel better, but those you interact with daily and are closest with will too!

  • http://www.smallhandsbigideas.blogspot.com Grace Boyle

    @Blake That is my biggest qualm with the word “fine.” It just gets no one anywhere. I'm sure we have all been on both sides and it isn't easy. I think finding a solution to which we don't have to divulge everything we're feeling, but also try to be productive can be a happy medium. Thanks for sharing :)

  • http://www.smallhandsbigideas.blogspot.com Grace Boyle

    @David You really like my top? Aw. Thanks, it's the best compliment I've ever received ;)

    Did you see the post I linked to when I said “say one thing and mean the other?” If not here it is: (http://www.fun-with-english.co.uk/2009/03/nine-…). I'm sure you would find it amusing. It's talking about how girls say one thing, mean the other and play a mind game. Yes, I'm guilty of it but I'm also more aware of it and my motto is “cut the bullshit.”

    I feel for guys. Because genuinely, they ask what is wrong and we say, “Nothing it's fine,” when really we're obviously SO upset. They can't read our mind and when we aren't clear with our emotions, it is tiresome with everyone. Big reason why I wrote this post.

    As for men, I hear them mutter “fine” a lot too. It's easy for me to read people … but I understand that expressing yourself to everyone, isn't ideal either. I've said this to you before, but I think it takes a real man to express himself, show vulnerability and emotion.

  • http://www.smallhandsbigideas.blogspot.com Grace Boyle

    @Elisa I love that you say “use your words.” It's very specific, it hones down to what someone is trying to say and articulate. I was just talking with a friend today as she asked if I was a “freezer” or “fighter” when it came to emotions. I am definitely a “fighter” as I like to see/feel my emotions, see how I work through them and then move on. I don't freeze like a deer in headlights, because that means I have to mope in the emotions longer than necessary.

    So like you said: “get everything thrown up and onto the table to be fixed than holding it inside.” Love it!

  • ericaprather

    I think saying “I'm fine” is actually a weakness, like my post about emotions. It takes a lot of courage to admit and sort through what you are feeling – good points Grace Face. Bye.

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  • http://www.lionslinger.com Walter

    Much as I am suspicious about the term “fine,” I try to let it pass, but only for a moment. There are situations when some of us don't want to open up and prefers to keep it up to ourselves. In my experience, when facing with a delicate situation, I don't trust words coming out of the other, instead I read their message through their actions, and respond honestly and accordingly. :-)

  • http://diamondkt.blogspot.com David

    You know I'm a big clueless dummy. I always need you to point obvious stuff out to me – like the link embedded in your post. So nope, didn't see it until now, but loved it!

    Growing up with 2 sisters really gave me a jump start in the “woman speak” decoding process, but a quick refresher course is always welcomed.

  • http://www.smallhandsbigideas.blogspot.com Grace Boyle

    That's what I'm here for David – to clue you in. Gracie101…on various subjects. Funny article, right? I love men who have sister(s)…they know whats up far more than men who had only brothers or are only children (in my experience).

  • http://www.smallhandsbigideas.blogspot.com Grace Boyle

    @Walter Actions and even non-action (facial expressions, non-verbal, etc.) can tell you a lot about someone. We often don't have to utter a single word before our closest friends/family can see something is wrong. The word “fine” is the icing on the cake.

    You're very right that we do not always want to open up…that is okay. I wasn't suggesting we should to everyone. It's more our approach and being honest with ourselves and others…or, not expressing at all if it's not worth it to us. Fine is too glazed over for me, I think.

  • jrandom42

    Do you mean “fine” as in “Fanatical, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional”? Or do you mean “fine” as in “Long, thin and narrow”?

  • http://www.smallhandsbigideas.blogspot.com Grace Boyle

    @Jrandom42 As I assert throughout the entire post and cite examples, I'm talking about using the word “fine” when involved with your emotions. Never do I talk about fine in the meaning of being “long, thing and narrow.”

  • http://www.smallhandsbigideas.blogspot.com Grace Boyle

    @Erica Good call – very much a weakness…it's so obvious to me when people say “I'm fine” and dismiss everything else. Bye.

  • http://healthyeatingrecipe.blogspot.com/ Healthy Eating Recipe

    Fine should be added to a list of banned words. I think it stems from the fact that most people feel vulnerable when expressing their feelings. I say, we deserve to feel more than fine or okay. It's okay to get angry, it's okay to feel frustrated but it's never okay to be content just being ok or fine.

    http://healthyeatingrecipe.blogspot.com/

  • http://www.smallhandsbigideas.blogspot.com Grace Boyle

    @HealthyEatingRecipe I agree. Great thoughts, thanks for sharing!

  • http://www.alifeintranslation.com/ Jamie

    Ah, yes. The “I'm fine” syndrome. Terrible.

    Completely agree with you here, Grace. Sometimes it's easier not to talk about it, but I think saying that, instead of saying you're fine is better for everyone.

    Really needed to read this today. Funny how that happens.

  • http://www.smallhandsbigideas.blogspot.com Grace Boyle

    @Jamie It IS easier to not talk about it – I think we have all been there. I suppose just not saying anything at all or literally saying, “I would prefer not to talk about it,” (something of that nature) is better than “fine” … to me at least :)

    Like I said, it's sort of like a slap in the face to everyone involved. With that being said, I still mutter fine and put up a wall but I consciously try not to now, because when I hear it from my friends I immediate stiffen and read right through it. Sigh.

    We're connected anyway, Jamie ;)

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