From The Guys, Guest Post: A Girl Willing To Stick It

2009 October 15
tags: , , ,
by Grace Boyle

Note: This is the first in a series of guest posts, “From The Guys,” written by two of my friends who blog at Simon and Cole. Over the course of the next few months they will be discussing common misconceptions women have about men and telling stories about relationships and dating from the honest and upfront, dude’s perspective. This first one is from Simon.

Although I most certainly knew some form of this lesson before today, I re-learned an important one: the bus is not a good place to find a date. This was evidenced by the high-pitched female voice that came from behind me and screamed of insecurity.

“Why the hell didn’t you just say ‘hold on’ before you put me on hold and left me high and dry?” She nearly shrieked into the phone, startling a few elderly people at her side.

Silence.  Holy smokes, I thought. It’s that kind of situation that is not only destined for abject misery, but that happens to even the most experienced of people.

I slowly turned around and saw that this poor girl was no more than 19 years of age, and was rapidly losing her mind over her boyfriend.  At first I felt terrible for her since she was wildly embarrassing herself in a confined space of strangers, with no immediate end to the awkwardness.

As the dust settled and she hung up the phone, I got to thinking about how and why it is that women tend to stay in bad relationships as a result of needing attention? Guys tend to ditch relationships much faster and have real problems with commitment as a result. Obviously these are sweeping generalizations, but the questions remain: Why do women mold to certain norms about insecurity and attention hogging?  And what is it that makes a guy so quick to ditch something with real potential just because it would take a little more effort than the next one night stand?

Truth be told, these are vast and convoluted questions that can only be addressed by professionals.  On the other hand, as a young, single twenty something, I feel credentialed enough. Being single and “looking for someone to love” is something that doesn’t really exist. It’s not like going to the grocery store or getting copies made. There is no finite way to go about it. What are you supposed to do? Walk around aimlessly with your heart on your shoulder, waiting for your next bed partner to surface on the street? Love is generally happenstance at best.

After hearing that girl whine over the phone and toss inhibition to the wind in regards to her personal conversation, I began to feel a little more sympathetic. The idea that it takes a little luck when it comes to stumbling upon someone who is right for you is what keeps girls like Ms. Bus in relationships. People actually believe in finding someone who is perfect for you. I’d say the happiest of humans are those that have come to terms with the fact that just like everything else in our lives, a relationship takes effort. If there’s one rule that most of us live by, it’s that it takes time, energy, hard work, and dedication to get where you want to be. If for some reason you believe that love is an exception to this rule, please have your conversations off the bus.

Ideally, a good relationship would require very little “worrying time” about your significant other.  In other words, you shouldn’t have to worry about what your boyfriend or girlfriend is doing at every turn of the page. Reality doesn’t allow us to truly feel like this, and it is manifested in girls trying to stick around for way longer than is necessary. Regardless of whether or not the relationship is bad because of certain actions that girls are consistently engaging in, they are more willing to stick around.

The logical conclusion is that girls are the ones who tend to work harder at relationships and it makes them look absolutely stupid in certain situations. On the other hand, that puts guys in the uncomfortable position of being the ones who fold their relationship hand without dedicating any rational thought to how big the pot is.  In other words, it tends to be worth it if you want it to be.

I guess Ms. Bus isn’t so annoying after all.

Do you think women work harder at relationships or stick around longer than necessary?  How do you feel about the relationships of your 20′s and when do you know it’s simply worth the effort?

Related Posts with Thumbnails

from → Guest Blog Post

  • http://robot-heart.tumblr.com heartbot

    “[W]hy it is that women tend to stay in bad relationships as a result of needing attention? Guys tend to ditch relationships much faster and have real problems with commitment as a result. Obviously these are sweeping generalizations, but the questions remain: Why do women mold to certain norms about insecurity and attention hogging? And what is it that makes a guy so quick to ditch something with real potential just because it would take a little more effort than the next one night stand?”

    Wow. That is a pretty cold, and pretty insulting, surmise. Did it ever occur to you that maybe girls stay in relationships not because they want attention, but because they have feelings? They like you. They like you a lot. As such, they date you, make you a priority, and expect you to reciprocate. When you don't, they get their feelings hurt. But they still like you, and so because they don't want to hurt even more, they sometimes stay longer than they should.

    It's been my experience that young people are often inexperienced, new to relationships, and new to the intense feelings they sometimes feel for another person. They don't know how to handle their own feelings, much less someone else's, and most of the time they've yet to learn how to be in a relationship. It's immaturity and lack of experience for the most part–NOT being an attention whore or a lecher, for the most part. And the guys are just as insecure as the girls, which is why they are often out the door at the first sign of trouble or adversity.

    Relationships are a lot of hard work. One of the problems with relationships in your teens or early 20s is that you just haven't figured out yourself and your emotions and your goals, so how could you possibly be able to accommodate someone else in your life? You're still learning…and someday, once you've got yourself figured out, you'll find that relationships get a lot easier (even if they are still a lot of hard work.)

  • http://www.smallhandsbigideas.blogspot.com Grace Boyle

    @Heartbot I can't speak for Simon, but rather my own experience and what I've taken away from this post. I have seen numerous girlfriends (and males too of course) stay with someone out of comfort or because they believe they “need” that person. It is unhealthy and although of course you care about that person, often times it's not about being a “lecher” but like you say, insecurity. Doesn't make it right though.

    I completely agree that relationships are a lot of hard work. I really like your last point about being young and still learning to provide yourself so how could you provide for someone else in a relationship. I noticed I went through so many changes in my teens to early 20's that the relationships didn't work largely for that reason.

    Also, Simon doesn't need to be backed here, but I think it's safe to say he is speaking from experience and is looking to open up a honest dialogue about how women and men communicate. I welcomed Simon and Cole here because there needs to be more communication between men and women in general, around the often taboo/frustrating topic of relationships, sex and dating. Thanks for contributing!

  • http://robot-heart.tumblr.com heartbot

    I just think it's important that we have these conversations without resorting to negative stereotypes and treating them as the only truth. :)

  • http://www.smallhandsbigideas.blogspot.com Grace Boyle

    @Heartbot Agreed. Stereotypes are frustrating, but we often resort to them especially regarding gender. I have some negative stereotypes about men that I believe because it's my experience. I'm not sure it's right, but it's my truth at the moment. Also, I don't believe my way is the only way. Maybe Simon feels that way too. I appreciate your honesty!

  • jenniewhite

    I give Simon a lot of credit for being so patient with Ms. Bus. I probably would've suffered from what I like to call second hand embarrassment and then pray to god that other people on the bus don't associate other 20 something girls with Ms. Bus. Good for Simon, for finding the silver lining in the bus experience!

    I too seen both girls and guys stay in relationships that didn't seem healthy from the outside. From an outsider's perspective I often think, “Is he or she crazy?” “Why would someone torture themselves all for a relationship?” I think we stick around because love is a crazy thing and it makes us DO crazy things. It's not a gender issue, boy or girl we stick and around and work hard at relationships because most of us believe that things will get better. We're 20 years old we can afford being optimistic about love and relationships.

    I am a young 20 something, but my rule of thumb is that I'll stick around if there's still a good amount of chemistry, but if they majority of the time we're yelling at each other and throwing accusations out, then I am done. Other then that, you bet I'll put the work in to make it successful relationship.

  • Pingback: Tweets that mention From The Guys, Guest Post: A Girl Willing To Stick It | Small Hands, Big Ideas -- Topsy.com

  • http://simonandcole.com/ Simon

    Heartbot – If you truly believed that I currently think that women stay in relationships purely because they want attention, you're barking up the wrong tree. It's not frustrating, but rather bewildering that you would think that someone who wrote this post would actually think that. On the other hand, I did make it seem like women TEND to be a little more needy for attention and it causes them to stick around longer than a guy would. If you read the entire article, you will see that I actually praised women (being represented by Ms. Bus in this case) for holding their composure and sticking with something that a guy normally wouldn't want to attempt. Like Grace mentioned shortly after your comment, my own reality is that I've experienced this more times than not with women. It doesn't mean it's a universal truth. More importantly, your point about the 'threshold of hurt' (I just created that term) is a great bullet point in this whole process. Women actually have a better gauge for when to call it quits when they are the one carrying a larger burden in a bad relationship. It's my opinion however that when both parties are struggling and hanging on like a baby tooth, guys throw in the towel far more readily than women do. (And again, in many cases, this is a TERRIBLE thing.)

  • http://www.smallhandsbigideas.blogspot.com Grace Boyle

    @Jenni I do too, that's why I'm so stoked that Simon and Cole are going to weigh in on the issues that often, aren't talked about. I hear about my girlfriends perspective all the time but when I need relationship advice, I often go to my close guy friends so I can see both sides of the picture.

    Thanks for stopping by. I think you've got a good rule of thumb for dating, too!

  • http://tomaszgorecki.com/ tomasz

    The other thing to consider is that woman are more mature then men.

  • http://www.smallhandsbigideas.blogspot.com Grace Boyle

    @Tomasz That's mature of you to say ;) But really, women's prefrontal cortex (responsible for risk taking behavior and decision making) develops 3-4 years before males. Males' don't develop until they're 24 and we begin in high school.

    It makes relationships in your teens and early 20's challenging, but I do believe that if it works, it works and like Simon said, you will know when it's worth the effort.

  • Pingback: From The Guys, Guest Post: Women Have All the Power | Small Hands, Big Ideas

  • http://tahoeshootingstar.com/ Tahoe Bill

    For those who say relationships take a lot of hard work–can you give some specific examples? (Especially of success as a result!) How do you know whether it's hard because it's worth it or hard because it's wrong?

  • http://tahoeshootingstar.com/ Tahoe Bill

    For those who say relationships take a lot of hard work–can you give some specific examples? (Especially of success as a result!) How do you know whether it's hard because it's worth it or hard because it's wrong?

  • Pingback: From the Guys, Guest Post: Our Attraction to Feminine Masculinity | Small Hands, Big Ideas

  • Pingback: From the Guys, Guest Post: Is Saying “I’m Busy” the Easiest Way to Weasel Out of A Commitment? | Small Hands, Big Ideas