Guest Post – Jun Loayza: How my girlfriend and I MAKE it work through the unique challenges an entrepreneur must face

Note: Jun is a longtime blogging friend (probably among my first online connections, from two years ago). He also video interviewed me over a year ago on Viralogy. He is working hard on a few entrepreneurial projects and recently relocated from Southern California to the Bay area. I’ve been in a long distance relationship before and his male perspective is valuable and one that many can relate to especially because him and his girlfriend, Kim are making it work.

5 months ago, Kim and I started the LDR (long distance relationship).

4 of my close friends recently ended their LDR in unpleasant ways – 3 of them were entrepreneurs.

Why do LDRs end?   Why do any relationships end?  Is it jealousy, financial stress, a difference of goals in life, or a combination of everything?  Startups by nature come riddled with financial hardship, a hard-to-manage work/life balance, and the roller coaster ride that is emotional instability.  Add long-distance to your relationship, and you have a potential recipe for disaster.

So you can see why I was a bit nervous heading into my LDR with Kim.

We’re 5 months into it and I’m proud to say that Kim and I are stronger than ever.  It’s more than just a trust factor, or that we love each other unconditionally, it’s the fact that both of us consciously MAKE it work.

This post is about my personal relationship “hacks” that I use to make the LDR work and keep our relationship strong.  Keep in mind, I’m the entrepreneur who moved away, so it’s up to me to go above and beyond what Kim expects and make sure that she is happy.

Hardship: Financial Stress – Solution: The Kim Fund

Bootstrapped entrepreneurs are extremely burdened by financial stress.  Often times, my startup buddies complain to their girlfriends about the financial stress and expect the girlfriends to “understand” and not expect any gifts or special nights out.  Even the most understanding girlfriend in the world needs to be treated to something special every once in a while.

Instead of complaining to my girlfriend that I have no money, I started the Kim Fund, which is a savings account in my ING Savings completely dedicated to Kim.  I use the fund for:

1. Birthday gifts
2. Surprise gifts
3. Expensive dinners that cost an arm and a leg
4. Vacation-like trips: Cancun, Vegas, Palm Spring, and hopefully Hawaii next
5. Flights to bring Kim up to Northern California to see me

As a rule, I set aside ~10% of any money that I earn (after expenses are paid) into the Kim Fund.

Kim is very understanding of my financial situation, but she still needs to be spoiled. The same goes with any relationship. Use the girlfriend fund and always have money set-aside just for her.

Hardship: Distance apart – Solution: Dedicated time on Video Skype

You’re 2 hours into your work and you’re in the zone.  You’re so concentrated and focused that time seems to slow and projects get done super fast with high quality.

And then, the phone rings… and it’s your girlfriend.  What do you do?

Pick up the phone to talk to your girlfriend and risk losing the zone that you were in
Or
Ignore the call and give her a call back later after work

It’s actually a real dilemma.  Sure you can miss her call every once in a while, but if it starts to become a habit, your girlfriend will eventually feel like you miss ALL of her calls and get annoyed at you.  And the last thing you want in an LDR is a girlfriend who feels neglected.

To prevent a “neglected” girlfriend and the loss of my zone, Kim and I schedule video Skype calls with each other during the evenings. This dedicated time together allows us to be next to each other and spend quality time together.

Oh, and we of course text each other throughout the entire day.  It just feels real good to know that your special someone is thinking of you.

Hardship: Jealousy/Trust – Solution: Ask for permission

Ring… Ring… Ring…

Ring… Ring… Ring…

“Hey babe, sorry I missed your calls before.”

“Where have you been?  I’ve been calling all night.”

“Oh, I’m just it with the guys.  It’s my friend’s birthday party in SF.”

“Who’s your friend? Who’s there with you guys?  Are there lots of girls? How come you didn’t pick up my calls?”

I think you guys get the picture.

Trust is one of the most important elements of every relationship.  With an LDR, you have to work hard to maintain the level of trust and consciously make an effort to let your girlfriend know what you’re up to.

And I don’t mean update it on Twitter so that she can check it.  I mean the following:

“Hey lover, is it ok if I go to SF tonight with the fellas.  It’s Brenton’s birthday!”

“No…”

“Please…”

“Ok.  I’ll let you go… this time.  Love you!”

You guys may think I’m joking, but this is how Kim and I play with each other.  Her and I both know that I’m not actually asking for permission, but it’s the thought that counts.  It’s the fact that I’m letting her know where I’m going to be and who I’m going to be with.

It’s not about being whipped; it’s about being respectful. And of course, I expect Kim to do the same for me – which she does.

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Well that’s how I MAKE the long distance relationship work.  And believe me, it takes a lot of work and discipline to do it, but Kim is way more than worth it.

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Bio: Jun Loayza is the CMO of the recommendation engine Viralogy and of the ecommerce analysis tool Grade Your Store.  Feel free to reach out to Jun through his blog or Twitter to chat about startup, relationships, or basketball.