From The Guys, Guest Post: Women Have All the Power

2009 October 28
tags: , , ,
by Grace Boyle

Note: This is the second in a series of guest posts, “From The Guys,” written by two of my friends who blog at Simon and Cole. Over the course of the next few months they will be discussing common misconceptions women have about men and telling stories about relationships and dating from the honest and upfront, dude’s perspective. This second one is from Cole.

Fact: Attractive women are capable, in a far greater capacity than men, of going out at night and getting most any guy they so desire.

Imagine it’s a few months from now.  For some reason or another-maybe because of a failed relationship, maybe no luck dating, or maybe just our love of spending money on useless things-you are at a crowded seminar given by a relationship counselor by the name of Cole Horn.  The beginning has been moderately interesting. He has touched on some common misconceptions women have about men, some general dating advice, and then he asks everyone to fill out a questionnaire attached to the registration packet.

The questionnaire has a space for circling your gender, and below, one question: If you were out at a bar and saw someone you found attractive, would you sleep with them?

Cole collects all your questionnaires and sorts them by gender.  The results are extremely telling.  Over 90 percent of the men answer yes, compared to only 30 percent of the women.

Here is a little secret about men (one that I probably shouldn’t be divulging): if a guy is turned on (which is most of the time), and a girl starts flirting with him and he thinks she is “cute,” in most cases, he would be more than happy to sleep with her that night.

Now this may seem obvious, and many women are probably saying, “Oh, but that’s the same with us!” But, it just doesn’t seem to be the case.

So, let’s break this down a little further:

What does “cute” mean?  When a girl says a guy is cute it means that she is willing to be persuaded into going on a date with him-unless of course it’s the drawn out “he’s cuuuuttteeeee.” In most cases she is not going to sleep with that guy that night; sex is reserved for the drop-dead gorgeous guys.

When a guy says a girl is cute, although yes, it means something substantially different than hot, he will sleep with her just as willingly as the hot girl.  The only difference will come in the later stages when he is freaking out over the hot girl and maybe or maybe not really into the cute girl.  Hence, while only the upper echelon of guys, usually celebrity-looking types, or just plain celebrities, can make even the prudest of women have sex with them shortly after meeting, any semi-attractive (we are talking at least as cute as Lo from “The Hills” [and for those girls who think you're not cuter than her, you probably are]) girl can get that 90 percent of guys.  The scales are not equal.

What is my point?

I hear so many of my close girl friends complaining about not being able to get guys. Usually, they are talking about nice guys and thinking there is some sort of drastic difference in the approach. I just told you!-You can get way way more guys than you think. And ever moreso, if you don’t want to sleep with them, you could at least secure a date by being more forward.  And I know the default response for this is: it’s a guy’s job to be aggressive.  But, I’ve got news for you, we aren’t any better at this than you are.

If you think a guy is attractive and you want to get to know him, or just take him home, tell him.  More times than not, you’ll get what you want.  And if not, we aren’t going to slap you or mace you, or tell our friends we think you’re creepy.

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  • There's a little confusion in the post due to the mixed use of the word "get". The survey asks whether you have sex with a person you met in a bar. That's different from would you go on a date or get in a relationship with someone you met in a bar.

    I wonder if the power balance would be different if you broke it down into different categories depending on the objective--sex, dates, relationship, marriage.

    As long as women stand by and wait for the guy to "court", "pursue", "make the first move", "show interest", etc., then advantage: man imo. All the guy has to do is figure out what she wants to hear and be willing to say it.
  • @Tahoe Bill You're right, that's a totally different question and Cole only spoke directly to sex for the so-called survey. I do think that the power balance would be different if you broke it up down into different categories because each gender reacts differently (relationships, dates, etc.)

    Thanks for sharing such good thoughts!
  • Glad that came across ok. Thx for the kind reply!
  • I think that Cole cleared this up, but I wanted to comment with my own thoughts and inspiration from the post.

    I have never thought it was hard to sleep with a guy. My girlfriends and I joke, if we put in effort and went seeking it, we could have sex almost every night with a myriad of men. It's not being vain, it's just as Cole pointed out, we have a lot of power there (with a few caveats).

    However, that's not my issue. Cole touched on regardless if it's sex or just getting to know someone else (dating, relationship, etc.) that the power still exists. I have to admit, I don't think I have ever picked up a guy on my own by going up to him. Sounds lame, right? It's always been, I've been introduced by a mutual friend, we start talking at a friends' party, we're sitting next to each other at a bar, etc.

    If the women who complain (I'm one of them, I know) are going up to men all the time, striking conversation, being assertive in what they want, then I don't think we would be complaining as much.

    Also, I still don't think a girl is a slut if she sleeps with a guy on the first night. If a male thinks that, then he is granted that belief, rightfully so. However, everyone has needs, wants and desires. No one else is going to tell us (men or women) how we should feel or how we act is one way or the other.
  • Two things:
    a.) I think the reason why guys aren't labeled "sluts" is because generally they enjoy the status they have as the guy who sleep with a ton of girls. At first. There is a point where usually the guy stops getting satisfaction from short lived flings. This is why I think Cole's point in his comment makes a ton of sense: many times, guys get tired of wanting to just sleep with a girl and the forthright behavior of chicks becomes annoying. In that case, girls, there's no reason not to proceed as Cole has suggested. There isn't always sex at the end of the tunnel. As Grace pointed out, to each his own. Unless they are breaking the law and they're truly a troubled human being, guys will back off if the girl emanates the "no sex" odor.

    b.) Single guys see every girl as a potential mate. From the moment he catches even the slightest semblance of a female, he looks in her direction. This is the primitive part of our brain saying "hell yeah" to our midsection. However, that interest usually dwindles. Whether it happens within seconds of looking at them or after a full on conversation, we tend to thin slice women. That is, we make snap judgments and decide whether or not it is worth our time in the first few seconds. Sometimes it's hard to tell, but I suspect women do the exact same thing.
  • I am very happy with the points that everyone has discussed and brought to light in vis a vis the article.

    A couple things I want to comment on:

    1) I really have to say that I disagree with Carlos and Ryan about the slut factor. Yes, I'm sure many guys will have that reaction, but I am also certain that many will not. Furthermore, there are some people that find "sluttiness" attractive because all that means is the girl is not afraid to say "I enjoy sex." If you want to make it about all of my friends think one way and all of someone else's friends think another way, then you are using inductive reasoning, which is not a valid proof. I am not saying that I am right and you are wrong. We are both right and wrong. But, if you are a girl thinking that you want to sleep with a guy but you are afraid that he will think you're a slut then do you really want to be with that guy anyway if he is going to judge you with this double standard?

    2) Ryan: I completely agree with you about the ugly guys hooking up with Maxim models thing. Problem is that this is now wide-spread and known as pick-up artistry. But, yes, with girls, and people in general, there is a susceptibility to mental manipulation which can be a heavy factor in hooking up. But, many times an ugly guy could not get far enough to even use these talking techniques based on his looks.

    3) I think people are confusing my post a bit, and this is my fault because I didn't explain it well. My point is that women sometimes expect a guy to talk to them or not be interested, but there are guys who would be interested if you talked to them and are many a bit shy about talking to you. So, nothing is accomplished because of a lack of initiative on both sides. Girls can be more aggressive and get what they want (but sometimes an overly aggressive guy is labeled as a creep). If it is a relationship you want, the same principle applies. If you want a guy to ask you out, starting talking to him. It doesn't have to be sexual, just a nice conversation. If things aren't going to work out they aren't going to work out, but to assume that all guys are interested in sex and only sex (and furthermore that sex is the only thing that could come from approaching them) is just false.

    4) I think it's funny that many girls and guys make being a "slut" or a "nice guy [or girl]" mutually exclusive. One of the most genuinely kind guys I know has slept with many many girls. And one of the sweetest, most caring and compassionate girls I know has also slept with many guys. To say that a guy who sleeps with you on the first night is not a nice guy, and also a girl that sleeps with you on the first night is not someone you want to bring home to mom, is absurd. Maybe if we all judged people a little less based on stereotypes and mass generalization we might get past the surface and find people we really like, whether partners or otherwise.
  • I think guys and girls view sex very differently. Personally, if I thought a guy was cute and we meet in a situation that involved drinking, I would never think about sleeping with him on the first encounter. As a woman, my level of attractiveness to men is not purely sexually based. I think that men think about sex way more than women. Women are emotional creatures that tend to think about how they feel. This is why more women than not, tend not to sleep with a guy on their first introduction.
  • ericaprather
    I too, was in a wedding last summer that started with a one night stand. I think it's very naive to cover anything in the human experience with one giant blanket, ESPECIALLY with regard to sexuality.
    I also don't believe that "90% of guys would sleep with a girl if they thought she was attractive." Perhaps I just associate myself with men who project more thought than an ameoba, but I don't know many men that would actually follow through. Would they think about it? Sure. Acutally do it? I don't know.
    If someone wants a one night stand, it's their perogative. Perhaps it's the female that initiates and perhaps it's not. Perhaps it blooms into something else besides the one night stand and perhaps not.
    I'm also a tad confused about the bottom line of this post - is it just that hot girls can get as much action at a random bar as they want and that women should step up and be more aggressive to "get nice guys?" Because those things seem very uncorrelated. Because if we're going to play into the stereotypes that the men commenting on this blog are blasting out, girls aren't going to find a 'nice' guy at a bar that will go home with them on the first night - they'll find a slut.
  • Fact: Men's initial attraction comes from one thing: looks. Women on the other hand are attracted by a variety of things simultaneously: looks, confidence (the way they carry themselves), they way they're dressed, etc.

    This is why in most cases it's easier for an attractive women to "hook-up."

    But I disagree with the results of the questionaire in that I think the #'s are skewed based on deeply engrained societal expectations. If the right guy says the right things women are just as likely to go home and sleep with him (yes she'll say "I never do stuff like this," - she's justifying it to herself.) BUT women aren't going to say that in a survey b/c that makes them slutty (which is SO BAD.)

    By all accounts I have "ugly" friends that hook up with Maxim models virtually at will and it's obviously not what they look like, but what comes out of their mouths that matters.

    And sure if a girl wants to hook up with a Beta she could be more aggressive and he'd love that, but girls dont' want to hook up with Betas. They want a man who will take charge.

    Am I generalizing? Obviously. But it's true. If you disagree, it's the exception, I promise.

  • @Ryan Agreed about what women and men look for with initial attraction. @Cole answers this thoroughly (his comment is below here).

    Generalizations are hard in every spectrum. Of course we love men to take charge, but I don't want a man who only takes charge. Life is a give and take game, not one or the other. Again, @Cole covered a lot of your points and as the writer of this post, I think he properly runs through them :) Thanks for sharing, Ryan.
  • All true. Just one little thing: if a girl tells a guy that she wants to sleep with him that night, she's declared a slut in the guy's mind. As long as she's ok with that, it's all good. But that relationship will only be a one night stand.

    Unless of course the guy is a beta loser who will try to keep whatever he can put his hands on.
  • @Carlos I disagree. My close friend and her husband slept together on the first night and they're very happily married. In your mind, a girl might be a slut if she sleeps with you on the first night, but it's largely a 'to each their own.' In my own opinion, I feel closely related to what you're saying because that is my set of morals. But speaking to the other side, I know many men who don't look down upon a woman if she sleeps with them the first night they meet. It often has turned into great relationships, in fact.

    I also think a woman can be very self respecting, confident and secure with herself but still would like to sleep with someone (if it's right, in that moment, that guy, etc.) the first night they meet. Doesn't make them slutty.

    How come a guy wants to sleep with me on the first night and we don't call them a slut either?
  • I'm with Carlos on this one... I think your friend and her husband are certainly the exception. Virtually EVERY SINGLE ONE of my male friends would be a one and done or a "F**K Buddy" with any female that sleeps with them on the first date. Generally the presumption is, "If it was that easy for me, it's that easy for everyone." No, thanks.

    To your point, yes there are SOME circumstances where that's not always the case, but in my experience that is, and always will be, the exception.
  • @Carlos @Ryan Sure, always exceptions. It's interesting because you might find an electric connection and two people are just down, so they sleep together. They think it's merely that (as you both agree) but then they keep spending time together and realize it was more than that. Then you realize who they are. I think this is part of that rule.

    @Carlos A conformist marriage is based on having sex the first night? There is so much more that goes into it. Also, I have an example of many close friends (relationships and in marriages) that slept together the first night, then ones that waited. Because there are many moving parts to a relationship, it's hard to trace it all down to your sexual timeline.
  • You know many men who say that they don't look down upon a woman that puts out on the first night. But they think it.

    Marriages may happen, but the guy may be a beta. In most cases it's a conformist marriage.

    Finally, all that gender equality thing is a lie. They are sluts, we are players. They can sleep with almost anyone they want, we have to work for it. Hey, I don't make the rules.
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