We’re Born to Help

I think it might depend on how much mental space we have to notice the need and be willing to sacrifice whatever other activity we would have been doing. I am much less likely to help if I am busy, stressed or cranky. Bottom line, maybe happier, more fulfilled people help more.

Interestingly, I bet the act of helping actually makes one in a better mood, shifts perspectives, and functions as a self-defining exercise (i.e. I am generous, helpful, etc). So from a utilitarian perspective, one should always help!

Great post, love!

@Jodi You're right, and you totally broke it down into the why's and how's. It makes sense to help because it creates happiness for everyone and we don't help often when we are cranky. Solution! :)

Great post, Grace! Here's my take (and something I've learned through coaching): similar to the research you reference, most functional human beings (ie not sociopaths) - at their deepest levels are fulfilled by helping others in some way - by being of service. Some people take this literally - volunteering. But for most of us, helping and being of service can mean anything that involves using our unique gifts and talents. It feels good to help people. To contribute in ways that we are uniquely suited for.

Yes, on one level we selfishly feel good about helping others. It's an ego boost - proves to ourselves that we are a "good person" (for a GREAT article on the selfish/narcissistic aspects of giving/social movements see On Conspicious Compassion).

At the end of the day - if helping others is selfish AND altruistic - who cares? In that case, everybody wins. And may the planet be a better place for it.

@Jenny I love the thoughts you've provided here, especially with your coaching expertise. I was telling @David that so what if our motives might be slightly selfish because there's a level of altruism and in the end, someone is being helped or gaining from it. Also, thanks for that article, I love it!

Here’s a deep thought…

I sometimes wonder if the want to help others is actually fulfilling a selfish need of our own. In the sense, if I do for someone else, it makes me feel better about myself. In that twisted way, it almost feels selfish. Like I ask myself, "Am I REALLY doing this for them or am I doing it to feel better about myself as the return?"

Does that make sense?

Anyway, that is what ran thru my head last week when I did a random act of kindness for someone. Long story short, I have an English Bulldog and love them! So while at the vet’s office I saw a fellow Bulldog owner struggling with the decision of finding the funds (which she did not have) to pay for a life saving surgery or euthanize her young pet. I decided to pay the difference of what she couldn’t afford so her Bulldog could be saved. I would hate to see anyone have to say goodbye to their furry BFF over money!

So now I sort of wonder if I really did it for her and the dog or if I did it to make myself feel better? Giving freely shouldn’t feel selfish, but if you look at it all twisted like I am doing lately, it kind of does.

@David I know exactly what you mean about the selfish inclination to help others and I think it does make us feel better about ourselves. Without a doubt. But here's another thought, is that bad? Should we examine the derivative of our action or should we look at the end result (e.g. helping someone, regardless of why?) Hmm...

In the case of helping out the fellow Bulldog owner (very kind and sweet of you, by the way!) that WAS something you wanted to do because of your love for Bulldogs. I volunteer for organizations or causes that I passionately care about because I want to help and it's less about me feeling good for myself in that situation.

These are such good points and it's not twisted, it's human nature. Guaranteed, many other people feel or think the same way. You're just honest about it :)

Grace: This is a great post and something that has been on my mind for awhile now. I mean no self-centeredness in what I'm about to say, so I hope it's not taken that way, and it's not exactly science-minded, so please bear with me as I try to articulate these thoughts…

I say yes, in answer to your question. Exactly as you quoted above, I believe that many humans have a natural inclination to help, and not just out of politeness, but out of being able to put themselves in another person's position, sometimes even to experience what they are experiencing -- even in the split second it takes to open a door for someone – in order to try to make it better for them.

There are some people to whom this comes naturally because it is a part of who they are and who they always have been – for that, I also agree with what you quoted, and if it is because of a biological make-up, then maybe there is reason for hope.

Because while I think everyone has the capacity for sympathy, perhaps not all are able to fully empathize. Empathy goes beyond generalized sympathy and compassion to a much deeper level. I think of the difference between sympathy and empathy as this: sympathy might be a recognition of one's plight, while empathy is a complete understanding, perhaps even likened to vicariousness.

Many people have become desensitized in hearing tragedy on the news, and I think that's where sympathy--or lack thereof--comes into play. But I think there are many more who will always be affected, where these stories will touch some part of them because it's a natural tendency. That can't be changed. While those who experience sympathy or empathy can be moved to want to see a change, it's most often those who are so deeply touched, who can fully feel what others are experiencing, that are moved to make a difference, who work towards making it better.

I don't think everyone is wired this way -- which is why I think there's a distinction between sympathy and empathy, why people are capable of hurting others -- because they don't feel the same emotions. Unless they are directly impacted, they feel it doesn't affect them. While those who are empathetic -- everything affects them.

I sure hope that it’s all biologically-related, this natural inclination to help. Because if it's natural, then maybe it won't ever go away. And I think the world needs just that.

Obviously, a great post, Grace. I don't get to comment often, but I'm always reading. Thanks for provoking such thoughts and opinions -- even if they are only opinions. Best to you.

@Susan I love this beautiful comparison on sympathy and empathy (um, you should definitely reblog this comment!)

When I read that quote, I was surprised to see that we all naturally showed empathy as humans. I don't think it's true, but biologically (from the beginning) we start to show that. The article (I only took excerpts) then talks about teaching by example, aggression and losing the sense of empathy which would cover your points very well.

I wanted people to speak (science aside) because the true value and honest human nature comes from our feelings and emotions, which you clearly evoked here. Thank you so much for your kind words. It means so much to me.